An Analog Girl in a Digital World

Choice Ramblings of N.O.W

On the Edge September 26, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — naijasoverwoman @ 6:25 pm
Tags: , , , ,

He came. He inspired. Dared me to question, push, and demand. The life that is mine to live.

I gave in the resignation letter yesterday.  Nothing lined up but dreams and gut instincts. 

I believe it is possible. I know it is possible. So I am going after what I want. What I know I want in this moment.  I might not desire it in the next 5 years or in the next 6 months but I desire it now. 

LIFE is Golden and this moment is all I have. 

And I still love him.

 

09-21-2008 September 21, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — naijasoverwoman @ 3:30 am
Tags: ,

Today he told me, he is in love with you.  Treat him well. Cherish him strongly. Protect him with all you have. Be strong, because you will need to be. 

Love isn’t a battle. But this time, I lost.

 

Called Today September 3, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — naijasoverwoman @ 2:16 am
  • Sign that I really do like pain and disrespect. 
  • Want to delete FB connection and other emails. Why do I need to know what person is up to? Isn’t that peeling the scabs of a healed wound.
  • Mister is coming in 2 weeks. Getting my head and heart ready for closure and final goodbye.
  • Should I delete emails? FB Connection? I can’t hep but think that I almost always regret doing things like that.  In a couple of months I am going to look back and ask: “Why did I do that?” 
  • Maybe this can serve as an exercise in delayed gratification? Or thinking things through? 
  • I do miss talking to FB/Email person. Apparently, I am the only one because FB/Email person isn’t reaching out.
  • Whatever. Time cleans out all mistakes and bad/embarrassing memories. 

Off to bed.

 

Much ado about nothing September 1, 2008

Filed under: Uncategorized — naijasoverwoman @ 4:19 am

How do writers do it? Seriously.  How do they do it? I have a million thoughts each day. Think to myself ” I should write this down. I should record this thought somewhere so that I can look it over some time. Yet, each time I look at this blank page I can;t write down a single thought. Everything I write I think is shit.

I think I might still be suicidal. For past couple of years I have lead myself to believe that those 2 trips to the ward were just that. 2 trips that didn’t really mean anything. Jsut breaks from the oppressive world of love and boys. Or rather confusion and low self-esteem; the latter is still a work in progress working its way out of closet. 

Till it occurred to me, today, that life could not be be this messy for the others. They have developed a simple mechanism that propels their lives forward in simple straight lines; always sure of the next feet. Firmly anchored to the ground while I struggle to peel my eyelids backwards with each raising of the sun. At least I am lucky.  Some days I actually wake with a smile, happiness in my heart, hope in my soul, and my mind denying how fabricated the lightness of my steps are. Even on days like these I dread knowing how fleeting its gladness is. 

What scares me most is how causally thoughts of ending it all stroll into my head.  Thoughts like how easy it would be drive off the beltparkway into the abliss of the waters below.  How bad really is it to die without having forsaken all my sinful ways. Would I really go to hell? The thought of my mom or my sister finding me are the only things that do stop the madness. it would be totally selfish and hurtful to that to them. 

This post was supposed to be about how I feel completely and utterly worthless. About how much I sometimes hate myself and how much of a failure I think I am, yet I haven’t written one word about that, my pathetic relationship with my father and the resulting depilating relationships I have with men. My inability to sustain truthful relationships with women and men. My confused sexuality. Do I like men? hate men? why do girls with big asses fascinate me so much? why do i keep snooping on my ex? reading his emails and facebook account? 

I stare at this blank page and everything i have to say flies out the window. My mind goes blank and i am reduced to a blabbering mess. I don’t know how writers do it.

 

Rejection in Disguise August 25, 2008

Filed under: WORDS — naijasoverwoman @ 4:25 pm

I say I wont call but i do. I worry you won’t pick up, and when you do i wish you hadn’t.

I must love pain, confusion, and the randomness that is my indecision. If not, why do i keep calling? Why do I say I won’t call you anymore and then dial your number five minutes later? Why I can’t I stay well away, preserving my dignity? Which at this stage I don’t have any left.

I know you think I am pitiful. But all i want is for you to tell me that you don’t feel me the way I feel you. Are your actions meant to convey the answer? Well, I want you to tell me to my ear that “I AM NOT JUST THAT INTO YOU”. Please tell me and release me from this hell. I will keep pushing until you tell me. For I can’t do actions. Specifically, I can’t do YOUR ACTIONS.

Your Actions leave way too many gates to dreams open; pave paths for fantasies and hallucinations to travel bound and yoked by shared sibling-hood of illusions.  Your actions blurs the distinctions between the boundaries of realities.  My reality.

I am saying … I make too much of your actions because you are a man of few words.  Hence my need for you to proclaim “I AM JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU”.

Trust me, I can take it.  Long and hard, just like i accepted your manhood into the wet warmness of my valleys.  I can take your rejection of my love.

 

It’s been a While June 30, 2008

Filed under: Beautiful things — naijasoverwoman @ 3:02 am

I haven’t abandoned my blog, yet. I just have loads on my mind and not enough words to express all that have been going on.

I got a new job, moved to a new city, and am slowly but surely adjusting to my new status as a semi-grown woman.  I am not fully grown yet because still, from time to time, I ask my folks for some cash to tide me over.  But that na story for another day.

I aim to return to writing and blogging slowly.  I have missed the space blogging provided for free expression; although to be quite honest, I previously didn’t make full use of it.  In non-virtual reality, I don’t do well with self expression.  I tend to hoard my problems to myself, and the few times I open up are filled with loads and loads of editing.   This is what happens, I hear, when stability wasn’t part of one’s terrain in childhood.

I aim, via blogging, to achieve some kind of self-knowledge, love, and accountability.  While I believe that I know myself well, I think that writing allows for a different kind of self exploration.  If one is honest, in his/her writing, that is.  As for self-love (not that kind), something tells me that I might have this tendency to self-destruct and/or inflict pain onto my own person.  I am getting older and want to change certain things that I don’t like about myself hence the need for accountability.  I need to devote myself to acquiring the virtues I need/admire and ridding myself of some, if not all, of my vices.

This marks the beginning.

 

Fashion Lust February 23, 2008

Filed under: Beautiful things — naijasoverwoman @ 10:35 am

Lust is one of the seven greatest sins, isn’t it?

That is bad:)  I am yet to start work and not even close to the first big PAYCHECK … yet I can’t wait to start shopping:)  I am inspired by the range of shops and clothing in my city.  I won’t be going for high-end buys since I can’t afford them but I am definitely looking forward to the vintage and goodwill stores around.

 I can’t wait … I just can’t wait.

 

 
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