The things we do to ourselves. Not what other people do or fail to do, but the things that we tactically permit. The things that we directly or indirectly allow others to do; those are the things that hurt the most.
And if we are honest with ourselves, we will acknowledge that the anger most often directed at the “other” is nothing less than the disgust we feel with ourselves. We realize that the powerlessness we feel at our inability to stop the train wreak is nothing but the power we gave up at that instant we decided to place another’s needs, happiness, or want above ours.
This is not to say that being selfless is not a desired trait. We all know that selflessness is part of what makes the complex dynamics of all relationships work. The relationship between a parent and his/her offspring, the 2am phone call between friends that lasts for 3 hours, and the sleepless night spent typing up a significant other’s paper just so that he/she can catch up on sleep. These are the selfless acts that keep the cycle of life going. That create and nurture life. And restore hope in those instants when life seems hopeless/meaningless. It replenishes over and over again the will to live. But just as selflessness can sustain life, it has the power to destroy.
Low self-esteem sometimes manifests itself in the guise of selflessness. You say you give and give because it is in your nature to give. But we are all human and we know that we all have a threshold that marks our point of no return. This is where most folks say enough is enough. If you are like me (which I hope for your own sake that you are not), not knowing your worth blurs that line. Pushing it further and further out into the terrain of self-depletion.
If I know that I am deserving of Love, Trust, and Respect just because I am ME: God’s own reflection, then I should also know that when the pushing comes to shoving (when I am being given shit in return for my understanding/acceptance/patience) to stop. I should know to hold out my hand, and say STOP in a loud, clear, and strong voice (so that there is no misunderstanding). I should know. In fact, I do know. The question is why I don’t.
I don’t because I believe that maybe if I ask for every little I will get something in return. A little in return is the going price for my love. Isn’t that sad? I give you a hundred dollar in return for the lose change on your nightstand, or your glove compartment. Even the jingling sound of pennies in the pockets of your trousers will do.
I am shit-faced fucked. Yes, I am acknowledging it. My name is OverWoman and you have my permission to be your RagDoll.
