I made a mistake last night, or rather in the early hours of this morning. I went too far with a man that I haven’t know but a week (actually more like 5 days).
I don’t know what is wrong with me. Why did I do what I did knowing that I really wanted more than what a one night stand could bring? Is it not the same me that was praying for a life partner not too long ago? I mean its a prayer that I repeat constantly. Maybe not daily but I definitely send a little prayer out once every 2-3 weeks.
Now, I am in a bit of a mix. Don’t know what i really want with him. Or what I can expect of him. Yet, I know fully well that ‘this” is not about him but all about me.
It’s about me and my fear of intimacy. Its about me and my constant judging other folks, and worrying about what my ‘friends’ would think about my partner. Is he up to standard? Is his english on point? Did he go to the right schools? Is he at least a bit set in the financial department?
Why do i worry so much about what other people think? Why can’t I just do what I need to do to make me HAPPY? Really, why give a fuck when at the end of the day I AM THE ONE WHOSE HAPPINESS IS AT STAKE HERE?
And why am i so hung up about sex? Why do I always worry that my doing or not doing something is grounds for some man to call me a slut later on in my life? Isn’t it my body? Shouldn’t I be able to enjoy it as freely as I want?
I want to scream so loud right now. I just want to punch all this questions and confusions away. I HATE INTIMACY. I HATE BEING HORNY. AND I HATE NOT KNOWING WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING.
This whole mating thing is way too complicated. I wish God made it so that we humans had no concept of what SEX was at all before the age of 25. I mean, we would know that sex existed but we would have no wish to know what it was until we got married.
And just before we are meant to get married, God would send us a letter in the mail with the name of our life mate. And the journey towards finding them would take us across oceans, countries, towns, or streets filled with the lessons that we need to master in order to have a successful and happy marriage.
Just imagine how much fun and how less complicated it would be. Maybe not for you but definitely for me.
